Tina Fey
We’ve been told over and over again that “Love is all that matters” and “Love makes the world go ‘round”.
No wonder many of us—myself included— pursue love like our life depends on it!
Oddly, it’s this desperation that makes us NOT find the love that we truly deserve.
Why?
Because this need for love comes with traits that ruin our chances of actually finding true love!
Here are 10 traits of people who constantly chase love (and why they’re counterproductive).
1) They’re addicted to romance
These are the poets, the Don Juans, and the lovestruck folks among us who can’t stop thinking about love 24/7.
They think about finding love, fighting for love, staying in love, having two different loves…
Love, love, love.
Their world revolves around it, they’d die for it. And it shows!
Why this ruins things:
Being this crazy about love might be attractive to some (hey, passion is sexy), but it can also be a major turn off.
Some might wonder “Is love all they can think about?” and “What else can this person offer aside from cuddles and 4am kisses?”
2) They try hard to impress
You know these people. They’re the ones who’d do cartwheels and acrobatics to make their crush notice them.
I was like this and ugh I cringe every time I remember those moments.
When I was younger, whenever I had a crush on someone, I transformed into a person I think THEY would like.
They’re into emo girls? I started putting on some dark eye makeup and listening to My Chemical Romance.
They’re into sporty girls? I ran every 6am even if all I wanted to do was tend to my garden.
Cringe, cringe, cringe!
Why this ruins things:
You’ll eventually show your true colors because hey, it’s hard to pretend forever. And once that happens, they’d break up because “you changed”.
Aside from that, you’ll start hating yourself for trying too hard. And you’ll start hating them for making you try too hard.
Honestly, not a good idea.
3) They’re anxious
Most of the people I know who chase love—myself included!— are the anxious types.
They’re the Type As who are a bit uptight and goal-oriented. The ones who say “I should find a wife at 25, have two kids by 27, and own a mansion by 28.”
They’re the ones who catastrophize, as in “OMG, I’ll be alone til I die!”
And they’re the ones who adopt a black-and-white way of thinking, as in “If I’m no one loves me, therefore I’m unlovable”.
Why this ruins things:
Looking for love is great, but when it’s mainly driven by worry and fear, you’ll be like a chicken with its head cut-off.
In other words, you won’t be using your head and this leads to well, you not actually finding the love that you truly deserve.
4) They’re extra clingy
People who are desperate for love would often cling…TO ANYONE!
They’d double, triple, even quadruple text.
They’d call several times a day and when you ask why, they go “Oh nothing…”
And what’s annoying is that when you don’t give them the same kind of attention, they’d sulk and accuse you that you’re emotionally unavailable!
Why this ruins things:
Neediness, while it can be cute sometimes, can be exhausting (for the clinger and the clingee.)
It’s such a big task to always take care of another person’s feelings, especially if they’re very demanding.
5) They lovebomb
People who chase love often think that they only got one shot at love.
And so when they meet someone they fancy even for a little bit, they’d give them their all and in one go, too.
They’d buy them gifts on the first week, say “I love you” on the next, and even talk about marriage before the month ends!
They’re the ones who proclaim “You give meaning to my life” even if you’re practically strangers.
Why this ruins things:
When someone’s too hot too soon, they scare away most people. Not only does it seem desperate, it makes the other person wary.
They’d think “Hmm, if they’re this in love with me this fast, surely it won’t last”.
Or “If it’s so easy for them to fall in love, then they can just as easily fall in love with someone else.”
6) They love the thrill of the chase
There are people who constantly chase love, but once it’s right in front of them, they start to lose interest. And then they move on to the next.
These people are the ones who just love the idea of making someone fall head-over-heels in love with them.
They find it exciting and fulfilling. It makes them feel wanted and adored.
Most of the time, these folks are narcissists who just want to feel good about themselves.
Why this ruins things:
You’ll just be jumping from one person to another, hurting each one of them.
If this is your favorite pastime, you’ll slowly become numb, making it harder for you to make genuine connections.
Plus, you’ll have a bad reputation as people start to lose trust in you, making it much harder for you to find love.
7) They fall in love with anyone who gives them attention
Love can blind us, but so can desperation.
Those who constantly chase love get so desperate that they would take anyone—literally ANYONE— that’s in front of them.
They’re not even aware that they’re doing this out of desperation. At that moment, they’d think that they’re actually in love.
How do I know?
I’m speaking based on my personal experience. And I must say these “desperate loves” of mine ended up making me miserable.
What mattered to me that time was that there’s someone who finally liked me!
Why this ruins things:
Once the initial euphoria of being adored fades, you’ll start to realize how awful your decisions were. And that you’re actually not in love with the person, you just craved the attention!
8) They equate relationship status to a person’s worth
They have a shallow way of thinking.
For them:
Single= There must be something wrong with you. You’re probably ugly and undeserving of love.
In a relationship= Wow, you must be awesome. After all, someone has chosen you to be in their life forever.
This shows how desperate they are to get into a relationship. They’ll do whatever it takes so someone will finally love them and take them out of the “loser” zone of singlehood.
Why this ruins things:
It will make the other person feel used—like you just “love” them so you can finally feel good about yourself.
9) They have a scarcity mindset
“Oh no, what if I’ll never find love?”
“What if this is my only chance?”
They always feel like love is running out—like it’s a limited offer that will expire once they reach a certain age.
Or that there are only a few good men out there or a few good women.
This is the reason why when someone comes along, they’ll grab them with both hands. And if things don’t turn out good, they’ll chase another one without even catching their breath.
Why this ruins things:
Having this mindset can lead you to making impulsive decisions.
Imagine jumping into a so-so relationship just because you’re worried you’ll be alone. Now you’re trapped because you’re married. What did you do? Now the possibility of you finding “the one” is zero just because you’re so impatient.
10) They’re weak in the self-love department
They want to feel good about themselves. Sadly, they’re not on self-start. They need other people to do it!
They need another person’s love before they can love themself.
They want someone to remind them they’re a catch—that they’re smart, pretty, and overall awesome—and they of course want a lover to do that. They don’t think it’s valid if it comes from them or their friends.
They also deprioritize themselves once they find someone. They’d put all their love on that other person so it would bounce back to them—more often than not, they fail.
Why this ruins things:
Low self-esteem and not being able to love oneself first—these are two major reasons why we fail in finding love.
You’ll attract the wrong people and you’ll find it hard to create a healthy relationship if ever you do find a partner.
After all, a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves would not be able to love well.
Final thoughts
Henry David Thoreuau once said:
“Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.”
And I think the same can be said when it comes to love.
Sure, we have to be proactive as much as possible (we can’t complain about being single and remain recluse).
But to make love our main goal—our main purpose for living? To make it our center of happiness?
Nah, it’s not the right way to live a fulfilling life.
Welcome love and engage in things that can help you find love, but stop chasing it like it’s all that matters.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
Take the free quiz here to be matched with the perfect coach for you.
Click the above link to get $50 off your first session – an exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers.
Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.
